Keeping bonds of kinship is not as easy as it
sounds. Families and friends give warmth and meaning to our lives, keep
us strong and fulfilled, make us feel loved and wanted, help us grow,
struggle and stay the course of an unpredictable and at times unkind
life. In Islam Allah requires us to revere the womb and the
relationships that emanate from it.
Allah imposes on us to save not only our-selves but our family from the Punishment which means that a good family can help us evade the Fire of a miserable eternity just as a bad one can lead us into it.
“O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones.” [66:6]
But intimacy, closeness, frequent interaction and mutual dependence that dose family and friends share can lead to the exact opposite of the beautiful things enumerated above. Warmth of love in a family can turn into a hell of envy, bonds of blood can become spilling of blood, search for fulfillment can become thirst for humiliating others and support in tough times can turn into hatred and rivalry even in good times. It happens when the members of a family do not possess the right values and attitude. Shaytaan the worst enemy of mankind loves none of his snares more than sowing hatred within believing families and friends. The excessive individualism of modern times as well as timeless ignorance and selfishness can replace the love of families and bonds of friendship with hatred and bad blood.
Allah imposes on us to save not only our-selves but our family from the Punishment which means that a good family can help us evade the Fire of a miserable eternity just as a bad one can lead us into it.
“O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones.” [66:6]
But intimacy, closeness, frequent interaction and mutual dependence that dose family and friends share can lead to the exact opposite of the beautiful things enumerated above. Warmth of love in a family can turn into a hell of envy, bonds of blood can become spilling of blood, search for fulfillment can become thirst for humiliating others and support in tough times can turn into hatred and rivalry even in good times. It happens when the members of a family do not possess the right values and attitude. Shaytaan the worst enemy of mankind loves none of his snares more than sowing hatred within believing families and friends. The excessive individualism of modern times as well as timeless ignorance and selfishness can replace the love of families and bonds of friendship with hatred and bad blood.
Unfortunately today we find some
people that quickly denounce and desert family members only because they
forgot to invite them to the last get together. We can find family
members who actually live door-to-door and refuse to even share the
greeting amongst them when they met face to face. The reason? Each one
claims that the other should initiate the first visit and "why should I
be the one to go knock on their door? Plus, I got ill the other day and
they did not even bother to stop by and see how I was doing!" Oh, does
it hurt to hear these `arguments.' It makes us understand the words of
the Messenger of Allah (saws) that Shaytaan runs through the blood
stream of the son of Adam. The saddest thing is that their children were
told to never speak to their relatives or even approach their door. It
rips hearts inside out to even think about it.
Severing relation has become a threatening epidemic that has found its way into many Muslim families. Have we forgotten the tremendous value of Ar-Raheem? Have we become completely unmindful and oblivious of its significance? Or is it that our selfishness and self-centeredness has gotten the best of us?
But before we go further let us define the word raheem.
The word in Arabic is extracted from rahem which literally refers to the womb; the latter has been the abode of every human being before they came out to this world except for Adam may Allah exalt his mention and Hawwa. Islamic scholar Ar-Raghib Al-Asfahani said, "Ar-Rahem is the womb of the mother, and it stands for family ties knowing that it was the first source from which they were produced" In Islamic terminology, Ar-Rahem means family bonds and relations, something we refer to in English as kinship relationships.
The Messenger (saws) enlightens us on the noble position of rahem through a powerful allegory in a hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah: “Allah created all the creation, and when He finished, ar-rahem (the womb) got up and pleaded to Allah, where-upon Allah said to it, "What is the matter?" It said: "At this place, I seek your refuge from those who sever me (cut off ties of kinship)." Allah said, "Yes, will you not be satisfied if I bestow My favors on him who keeps your ties, and withhold My favors from him who severs your ties;" Upon this, it said, "Yes, O my Lord!" Allah said, "Then that is for you." [Bukhari]
This hadith lays out the very foundation of kin-ship, emphasizing its importance as well as the ramifications of' severing kinship ties.
Severing relation has become a threatening epidemic that has found its way into many Muslim families. Have we forgotten the tremendous value of Ar-Raheem? Have we become completely unmindful and oblivious of its significance? Or is it that our selfishness and self-centeredness has gotten the best of us?
But before we go further let us define the word raheem.
The word in Arabic is extracted from rahem which literally refers to the womb; the latter has been the abode of every human being before they came out to this world except for Adam may Allah exalt his mention and Hawwa. Islamic scholar Ar-Raghib Al-Asfahani said, "Ar-Rahem is the womb of the mother, and it stands for family ties knowing that it was the first source from which they were produced" In Islamic terminology, Ar-Rahem means family bonds and relations, something we refer to in English as kinship relationships.
The Messenger (saws) enlightens us on the noble position of rahem through a powerful allegory in a hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah: “Allah created all the creation, and when He finished, ar-rahem (the womb) got up and pleaded to Allah, where-upon Allah said to it, "What is the matter?" It said: "At this place, I seek your refuge from those who sever me (cut off ties of kinship)." Allah said, "Yes, will you not be satisfied if I bestow My favors on him who keeps your ties, and withhold My favors from him who severs your ties;" Upon this, it said, "Yes, O my Lord!" Allah said, "Then that is for you." [Bukhari]
This hadith lays out the very foundation of kin-ship, emphasizing its importance as well as the ramifications of' severing kinship ties.
Silah, which literally means connecting, is used often in conjunction with rahem, and so silat ar-rahem means to join the ties of kinship by treating one's relatives fairly and compassionately.
On top of the list of these relations come our parents, who have sacrificed much of their lives to make us strong and worthy human beings. Then come our brothers and sisters with whom we shared the same womb and then our grand parents along with all the other family members including our uncles, aunts and cousins from both the paternal and maternal sides.
Our kin's rights over us!
Every member of our family has rights over us. These rights differ from one person to another. For instance, the mother stands higher than the aunt and the grandfather is most definitely above the brother in law.
Some of the rights our next of kin has on us are: To maintain a good relationship with them by showing respect, love and sympathy. Be there for them when they need you. Go visit them at times of sickness and be a good support at times of tribulations. Share with them glorious moments. Let them in on all your good news. Buy them gifts and congratulate them on ‘Eid days. Help them financially during harsh times. When Allah revealed the verse: "You will not attain piety until you spend from that which is beloved to you." [3:93] Abu Talhah said, "The most beloved to me of my wealth is Bayrahaa’ (a garden), and I am giving it as a charity for Allah, I yearn for its reward from Allah. O Messenger of Allah, spend it as you see fit according to what Allah has shown you." The Messenger (saws) said, "Bakhin! (an expression of amazement) That indeed is a profitable trade. I have heard what you said, and I recommend that you spend it on your kin." Abu Talhah responded, "O Messenger of Allah, I will do so." And Abu Talhah indeed gave it away to his relatives.
Spending on kinship has become a neglected responsibility, to the point that you can easily find people who will invite a friend to a classy restaurant and never spend a dime on their cousin. They offer valuable gifts and even money to their peers and co-workers while their parents are in dire situations. This brings to mind the event of Musteh who was Abu Bakr's cousin and also among those who fell into the error of slandering his (Abu Bakr’s) daughter, the mother of the believers, 'Aishah in the famous incident of ‘ifk (lie). This made Abu Bakr so furious that he took an oath he would never again give charity to Musteh. Following this incident Allah sent down a number of verses attesting to the innocence of the mother of the believers, but among them was also this magnificent verse: "And let not those among you who are blessed with graces and wealth swear not to give (any sort of help) to their kinsmen, and the poor, and those who left their homes for Allah's cause. Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful." [24:22]
Upon hearing this beautiful verse, the noble companion Abu Bakr said, "Yes we love!" (meaning yes O Allah, we love that you forgive us) Then he resumed his spending on Musteh. Let us all pause and look deep into this verse and reflect upon its limitless wisdom, and see how Allah the Lord of the worlds guided to Abu Bakr charity to his kin, even when this person had falsely slandered his daughter!
When your kinfolk are non-Muslim
First and foremost, even if one's kinsfolk are hostile to Islam, one should under no circumstance give up on them; continue to invite them to Islam with kindness, compassion and wisdom. We should pray to Allah constantly to guide them and open their hearts and lead them to the straight path.
Try all beautiful and wise ways to bring them into the fold of Islam. Bear in mind that this indeed is one of the most difficult tasks and one of the most honorable ones as well. Show them concern and be patient when dealing with them. Overlook the harsh words and pardon the ridicule.
Allah say: "Allah does not forbid you to deal justly and kindly with those who fought not against you on account of religion nor drove you out of your homes. Verily, Allah loves those who deal with equity." [60:8] So long as they do not stand as a barrier between us and our religion, we are obligated to fulfill all the rights they have on us. We must not become someone's excuse for not wanting to become Muslim.
Between Islam and the family: Which should I Choose?
This is a question everyone with non-Muslim relatives wishes to never encounter. It represents one of those times we call the moment of truth and the most difficult of tests.
Kindness to non-Muslim parents does not depend on what religion they follow. We are supposed to be kind to them. It is true that such kindness may help win them over to Islam. This is, however, not the only reason. The parent-child relationship transcends matters of personal inclinations, desires, habits, creeds and faith. It is well known that a parent tries hard to overcome his prejudice against something if he feels that his son or daughter likes it. Islam does not like to stir trouble in every family where the parents are not Muslims. It recognizes that the parent-child tie need not be broken on account of faith. It, therefore, instructs its followers to be kind to their non-Muslim parents.
We
should know that kindness to parents is a personal duty imposed by
Allah on every son and daughter. To be a dutiful child is to ensure that
one is closer to Allah the Almighty. It makes it easier to win Allah’s
pleasure and be eventually admitted into Paradise. Parents must be
obeyed unless they order us to commit a sin. This is based on the
Prophet’s (saws) statement that: “No creature may be obeyed in what constitutes disobedience to the Creator.”
All this assumes that the parents are Muslims. It may happen, however,
that a Muslim child has non-Muslim parents. What should his attitude be
toward them?
First and foremost, even if one's kinsfolk are hostile to Islam, one should under no circumstance give up on them; continue to invite them to Islam with kindness, compassion and wisdom. We should pray to Allah constantly to guide them and open their hearts and lead them to the straight path.
Asmaa’
bint Abu Bakr was the Prophet’s sister-in-law. She was the daughter of
his closest companion and the sister of his wife ‘Aishah. Her mother
however did not become a Muslim for quite a long time. Asmaa’ said: “My mother came to me during the time of the Prophet (saws) hoping to get something from me. I asked the Prophet (saws) 'whether I should be kind to her'". He answered: “Yes.” [Bukhari]
The
way this hadith is phrased suggests that her mother had not yet become a
Muslim when she came to her. Another version states clearly that the
mother was hostile to Islam. Had she shown any inclination to become a
Muslim, Asmaa’ would not have needed to ask the Prophet’s (saws)
permission to be kind to her. Many a Muslim at that time was extra kind
to their parents and relatives who were not Muslims, hoping to win them
over to Islam. The significance of this particular hadith is that even
when a parent is determined not to become a Muslim, we still should
treat him or her kindly.
Try all beautiful and wise ways to bring them into the fold of Islam. Bear in mind that this indeed is one of the most difficult tasks and one of the most honorable ones as well. Show them concern and be patient when dealing with them. Overlook the harsh words and pardon the ridicule.
Remember that never did the Prophet (saws)
quit calling his uncle Abu Talib to embrace Islam, even when his uncle
was in his death bed. One of the most touching scenes in Quran is the
dialogue that took place between Prophet Nooh (as) and his disbelieving
son. Here is a Prophet of Allah trying eagerly to call his son to the
path of light and safety. Despite the fact that his son was an adamant
disbeliever, Nooh (as) chose the kindest of words and used the most
compassionate expressions to persuade his son.
Allah say: "Allah does not forbid you to deal justly and kindly with those who fought not against you on account of religion nor drove you out of your homes. Verily, Allah loves those who deal with equity." [60:8] So long as they do not stand as a barrier between us and our religion, we are obligated to fulfill all the rights they have on us. We must not become someone's excuse for not wanting to become Muslim.
Between Islam and the family: Which should I Choose?
This is a question everyone with non-Muslim relatives wishes to never encounter. It represents one of those times we call the moment of truth and the most difficult of tests.
Kindness to non-Muslim parents does not depend on what religion they follow. We are supposed to be kind to them. It is true that such kindness may help win them over to Islam. This is, however, not the only reason. The parent-child relationship transcends matters of personal inclinations, desires, habits, creeds and faith. It is well known that a parent tries hard to overcome his prejudice against something if he feels that his son or daughter likes it. Islam does not like to stir trouble in every family where the parents are not Muslims. It recognizes that the parent-child tie need not be broken on account of faith. It, therefore, instructs its followers to be kind to their non-Muslim parents.
Only
when such parents try to persuade their Muslim child to turn away from
Islam does Allah command us not to listen to them or obey them. Allah
states in the Quraan: “We have enjoined upon man goodness toward
his parents: his mother bore him by bearing strain upon strain, and his
weaning is within two years. Be grateful toward Me and toward your
parents, with Me all journeys end. Yet should they (your parents)
endeavor to make you ascribe divinity, side by side with Me to something
of which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. But even then
bear them company with kindness in the life of this world and follow the
path of those who turn toward me.” [31:14-15]
It is clear from his story and the verses revealed by Allah concerning it that when it comes to matters of faith, a non-Muslim parent may not be obeyed. That, however, does not mean to be unkind to such a parent as we mentioned before. We are still required to be kind to him or her hoping always that they may recognize the truth of Islam.
Remember what Yoosuf (as) said as Allah informs us in the verse: "Verily, he who fears Allah with obedience to him, and is patient, then surely, Allah makes not the reward of the Muhsinun (righteous) to be lost." [12:90]
We do good if we pray Allah to enlighten our non-Muslim parents and guide them to accept Islam. We cannot, however, pray Allah to forgive them. Allah forgives all sins with the exception of associating partners with him. All non-believers associate partners with Allah in one form or another. It is therefore futile to pray Him to forgive what he has told us He would not forgive. Moreover, it is an affront to Allah.
It is reported that these verses were revealed when the mother of Sa’d Ibn Abu Waqqas who was a companion of the Prophet (saws)
was so upset when she learned that he had embraced Islam. She tried to
persuade him to recant. Realizing that he was determined to follow the
Prophet (saws) she tried to increase the
pressure on him. She knew that he was a most dutiful child and he loved
her dearly. She thought that if she brought hardship on herself, he
would feel sorry for her and might listen to her. She swore that she
would not taste any food or drink until he had left the Prophet (saws).
The
judgment in his case was given by Allah in the above quoted verses.
Sa’d did not listen to his mother and continued to be one of the best
companions of the Prophet (saws). He was later given the happy news by the Prophet (saws) that he was certain to be admitted into Paradise.
It is clear from his story and the verses revealed by Allah concerning it that when it comes to matters of faith, a non-Muslim parent may not be obeyed. That, however, does not mean to be unkind to such a parent as we mentioned before. We are still required to be kind to him or her hoping always that they may recognize the truth of Islam.
There
is absolutely no graver sin than shirk yet Allah advised us to keep
them company in this life and show them benevolence. This is the only
time when we can say no to parents—but not walk out on them. Instead we
should be with them, support them in all kinds of ways when they need
us, so long as they do not ask you to go against the teaching of Allah
and his Messenger (saws). This also goes for the rest of our non-Muslim kinfolk.
Remember what Yoosuf (as) said as Allah informs us in the verse: "Verily, he who fears Allah with obedience to him, and is patient, then surely, Allah makes not the reward of the Muhsinun (righteous) to be lost." [12:90]
We do good if we pray Allah to enlighten our non-Muslim parents and guide them to accept Islam. We cannot, however, pray Allah to forgive them. Allah forgives all sins with the exception of associating partners with him. All non-believers associate partners with Allah in one form or another. It is therefore futile to pray Him to forgive what he has told us He would not forgive. Moreover, it is an affront to Allah.
It
may be hard for a Muslim person to be unable to pray for the
forgiveness of his non-Muslim parents. Let us remember that the
Prophet’s (saws) own parents were non-Muslims.
He asked Allah’s permission to pray Him to forgive his mother. His
request was declined. We know that Allah granted every prayer the
Prophet (saws) made either for himself or his
companions or indeed Muslims generally. The fact that Allah did not
permit the Prophet (saws) to pray for the forgiveness of his own mother
suggests that this is not a trifling matter at all. It is indeed much
more beneficial to one’s non-Muslim parents who are alive that he prays
Allah to guide them to Islam.
The merits and benefits of keeping good family relations:
1. The Way to Paradise!
2. Abundance and Longevity!
3. Beautiful Pleasures of life!
Take advantage of every opportunity which presents itself to help them, visit them and be there for them, for the sake of Allah.
Think about that great moment when your little nephew or niece opened the door and shouted out, "It is my auntie...! It is my uncle..," then threw themselves, innocently, in your arms. What a great blessing!
The curse of Allah upon those who sever blood relations
All Muslims should read these two verses over and over again, and let them sink in, because the verse right after that says: "Do they not then think deeply in the Quran? Or are their hearts locked up?" [47:24] We seek refuge in Allah, the Lord of the worlds, from the sealing of our hearts and the subjugation of our weak selves.
1. The Way to Paradise!
The Messenger (saws) said: "Whoever
believes in Allah and the Last Day, then let him be generous to his
guest, and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain
the bond of kinship, and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day,
let him say that which is good or observe silence." [Bukhari]
Abu Ayyoob Al-Ansari narrated: "A man said: 'O Messenger of Allah, inform me of a certain deed that if I do it, I shall enter Paradise." He (saws) said: "worship Allah and do not associate any thing with him, establish Prayer, give Zakah and maintain bonds of kinship." [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad - Sahih]
2. Abundance and Longevity!
It is narrated by Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudhri that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said: "Whoever desires for Allah to multiply his provision and increase his age, he should maintain good relations with his kin." [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad - Sahih]
Take advantage of every opportunity which presents itself to help them, visit them and be there for them, for the sake of Allah.
Think about that great moment when your little nephew or niece opened the door and shouted out, "It is my auntie...! It is my uncle..," then threw themselves, innocently, in your arms. What a great blessing!
The curse of Allah upon those who sever blood relations
Allah, has severely warned those who cut off their blood relations and family ties. The Prophet (saws) also condemned such people. Allah says: "Would
you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land and
sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that
He has made them deaf and blinded their sight." [47:22-23]
All Muslims should read these two verses over and over again, and let them sink in, because the verse right after that says: "Do they not then think deeply in the Quran? Or are their hearts locked up?" [47:24] We seek refuge in Allah, the Lord of the worlds, from the sealing of our hearts and the subjugation of our weak selves.
Even
the company of those who mistreat their families and are cut off from
them is accursed. 'Abdullah Ibn Abu 'Awf narrated that, "One time we were sitting with the Messenger (saws) who
said, 'No one who cuts off his ties should sit with us.' So a young man
stood up from the crowd and went to visit his aunt, with whom he had
some frictions, she then asked forgiveness for him and he did the same
for her, soon afterwards, he came back to our gathering circle, upon
which the Messenger (saws) said: 'The Mercy will not descend on people among whom there is a person who severs kin ties.'" [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad - Sahih]
Severing
one's blood ties is far from a trivial choice: it is an evil that may
hinder you from entering Paradise: the Messenger of Allah (saws) said: "No one who severs his family ties will enter Paradise." [At-Tirmithi]
Part
of the danger resulting from cutting off one's relations can be sensed
from the following hadith: Abu Hurayrah related that a man came to the
Prophet (saws) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, my
relatives are such that I cooperate with them, but they cut me off; I am
kind to them but they ill-treat me; I forbear but they are rude to me."
The Prophet (saws) replied, "If you are as you say, you
are then feeding them with hot ashes; and so long as you remain the way
you are, Allah will always help you and he will protect you against
their mischief." [Muslim] Imaam An-Nawawi said: "The hot ashes are a
metaphor for the amount of pain and agony experienced by the one who
eats them." The hadith pertains also to the people who behave
differently. They will maintain good ties as long as their kindred do
the same, but otherwise they sever them. Real cherishing of the blood
relation is not observed in anticipation of reciprocation on the part of
one's kin; but the ties should be maintained for Allah's sake only,
even if this is done from one side only neglecting the behavior of the
other side in return. ‘Abdullah Ibn 'Amr narrated that the Prophet (saws) said, "A
person who reciprocates in doing good is not the one who joins his
blood relations generously; but he is one who joins with his blood
relations when they sever the kindship ties." [Bukhari] This
wonderful hadith puts all things in perspective for those who are so
skilled at pointing fingers, trying to justify the haughtiness of their
own selves by always blaming other people, thus justifying their cutting
of ties. The Messenger (saws) openly states that
regardless of their behavior you should visit them; regardless of their
detachment, you should maintain your ties; regardless of their
offensiveness, reward them with forbearance and most importantly, never
cease to include in your supplications that Allah grant them a change of
heart; for all the hearts are between His fingers, He flips them as He
wills.
The Messenger of Allah (saws) set
for all humanity the greatest example of forgiveness and mercy after he
conquered Makkah. The Makkans had tortured, killed and humiliated
Muslims for so long and killed some of the dearest relatives of the
blessed Prophet (saws) himself. But the Messenger (saws) answered them by saying:
"I would say to you what Yoosuf said to his brothers: No reproach on
you this day; May Allah forgive you; He is the most Merciful of those
who show mercy. Go free; you are all pardoned!" This incident never
fails to bring tears to a Muslim's eye. In fact, any human being would
be moved by such nobility and mercy to tears. No wonder ‘Aishah when
asked about the character of the Messenger (saws) said that
his character was the Quraan. Better yet Allah bears witness that his
Messenger stands on the highest plane of character. Allah says: "And verily, you have an exalted standard of character." [68:4]
Ways to enhance your relations
Here are ways for us to fortify our ties and strengthen our bonds with our kinsmen:
1. Arrange frequent visits with those who live close by, on a weekly basis if they are in the same town or on a yearly basis at least if they reside overseas, depending on a person's abilities. But always remember, the least you can do nowadays is to pick up a paper and a pen and write to them how much your heart yearns for them and that they are not at all forgotten. If not, pick up the phone and tell them how much you love them and cannot wait to visit with them. Little things can make a big difference.
2. In a family gathering, do not let the opportunity to clear up all misunderstandings, pass you by and show all of your relatives your love and concern.
3. When conversing with them, take interest in what they have to say, even if it is not your cup of tea. Listen to their concerns and help them if you can and at least give them hope and your prayers—for sincere prayers, reassurance and love are worth much more than anything else.
4. Have respect for all elderly people in your family, be all-ears when they are telling their stories and try to learn from their past experiences.
5.
Bring joy to family gatherings by creating an atmosphere of fun,
sharing jokes or even getting a bit playful at times—but always within
the limits of decency and without hurting anyone's feelings.
6. Be there for them, and offer to help in every way you can.
Many good deeds bear fruit that will not be seen until the Hereafter. But keeping good family relations is something that will benefit you immediately, by making this life a lot happier, lighter, pleasant and more rewarding. Most importantly, Allah will reward us generously for every smile, every hug, every act of generosity, every phone call or letter, every word of encouragement, every suppression of anger and every instance of forgiveness towards your family members. Who can afford to be deprived of such an immense reward? Do not allow yourself to be of those who sever what Allah has ordered to be joined. He says: "Those who break Allah's covenant after ratifying it, and sever what Allah has ordered to be joined, and do mischief on earth, it is they who are the losers." [2:27]
6. Be there for them, and offer to help in every way you can.
Many good deeds bear fruit that will not be seen until the Hereafter. But keeping good family relations is something that will benefit you immediately, by making this life a lot happier, lighter, pleasant and more rewarding. Most importantly, Allah will reward us generously for every smile, every hug, every act of generosity, every phone call or letter, every word of encouragement, every suppression of anger and every instance of forgiveness towards your family members. Who can afford to be deprived of such an immense reward? Do not allow yourself to be of those who sever what Allah has ordered to be joined. He says: "Those who break Allah's covenant after ratifying it, and sever what Allah has ordered to be joined, and do mischief on earth, it is they who are the losers." [2:27]
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