Weeping for your Dead ones?

It was narrated in more than one hadeeth from the Prophet (pbuh) that the deceased suffers because of the weeping of his family over him. For example, Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (927) from Ibn ‘Umar that Hafsah wept for ‘Umar, and he said, “Calm down, O my daughter! Do you not know that the Messenger of Allah (pbuh)  said: ‘The deceased suffers because of his family’s weeping over him.” 

And it was also proven that the Prophet (pbuh) wept for the deceased on more than one occasion, such as when he wept at the death of his son Ibraheem, as was narrated by al-Bukhari (2/105) and Muslim (7/76) from the hadeeth of Anas (ra). He (pbuh) also wept at the death of one of his daughters, whilst she was being buried, as was narrated by al-Bukhari, 1258 from the hadeeth of Anas (ra). 

And he (pbuh) wept when one of his grandchildren died, as narrated by al-Bukhari (1284) and Muslim (923), from the hadeeth of Usaamah ibn Zayd (ra). 

If it is asked, how can we reconcile between the hadeeths which forbid weeping for the deceased and those which permit it? 

The answer is: 

The Prophet (pbuh) explained that in a hadeeth narrated by al-Bukhari (7377) and Muslim (923) from Usamah ibn Zayd, according to which the Prophet (pbuh) wept for the son of one of his daughters. Sa’d ibn ‘Ubaadah said: “What is this, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “This is compassion which Allah puts in the hearts of His slaves. Allah shows mercy to those of His slaves who are merciful.” 

Al-Nawawi said: 

What this means is that Sa’d thought that all kinds of weeping were haram, and that shedding tears was haram. He thought that the Prophet (pbuh) had forgotten that, so he reminded him. But the Prophet (pbuh) explained that simply weeping and shedding tears is neither haraam nor makrooh, rather it is compassion and is something good. What is haram is wailing and lamenting, and weeping that is accompanied by one or both of these actions, as the Prophet (pbuh) said: “Allah does not punish for tears that are shed or for sorrow in the heart, rather He punishes or shows mercy because of this” – and he pointed to his tongue.  

What is meant by torment is the rebuke of the angels for the things for which his family eulogize him, as narrated by Ibn Majah (1594) from Aseed ibn Abi Aseed from Moosa ibn Abi Moosa al-‘Ashari from his father, that the Prophet (pbuh) said: “The deceased is tormented for the crying of the living. If they say, ‘O my strength, O he who clothed us, O my help, O my rock,’ and so on, he is rebuked and it is said, ‘Were you really like that? Were you really like that?’”

Another version was narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1003): “There is no one who dies and his mourner laments him, saying, ‘O my rock, O my master’ and so on, but two angels are appointed to shove him, saying, ‘Were you really like that?’” Classed as hasan by al-Albani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 

This is supported by the report narrated by al-Bukhari (4268) from al-Nu’maan ibn Basheer who said: ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Rawahah fell unconscious, and his sister ‘Amrah started to weep, saying, “O our rock” and so on, enumerating his good traits. When he regained consciousness, he said: “You did not say anything but it was said to me: ‘Are you really like that?’” When he died, she did not cry for him. 

This torment which may befall the believer because of his family’s wailing for him, is among the hardships by means of which Allah will expiate the believer’s sins. 

In the case of the kafir, his torment will be increased thereby, so the pain of the punishment is exacerbated by the pain that results from his family’s crying for him. 

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (rh) was asked: What is the meaning of the words of the Prophet (pbuh): “The believer is tormented because of his family’s crying for him”? 

He replied: 

What it means is that if his family cries for him, he will know of that and will feel pain. It does not mean that Allah will punish him for that because Allah says: “and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another” [al-An’aam 6:164]. Torment is not necessarily a punishment. Have you not heard the words of the Prophet (pbuh), “Travel is a kind of torment”? Travel is not a kind of punishment, but a person suffers torment and exhaustion during it. Similarly, when the deceased person’s family weeps for him, he suffers pain and is upset by that, even though that is not a punishment from Allah. This interpretation of the hadeeth is quite clear and does not cause any confusion. There is no need to say that this has to do with one who left instructions that they wail for him, or one whose family’s custom was to wail but he did not tell them not to do that. Rather we say that a person may be tormented by something but it doesn’t harm him.

There is nothing wrong with missing a person who has died, even though that implies wishing to meet him and be close to him, although one is alive and the other person is dead, and this feeling serves no real purpose. But if we say that we wish we could meet the Prophet (pbuh) and the Sahaabah (ra), and the Taabi’een and the scholars, this feeling is the hope of meeting them in Paradise, and the person who wishes that he could meet these great people has to strive hard so that his Lord will be pleased with him and will admit him to Paradise with them, so that his longing will be fulfilled and will come to pass. This is the good result of longing to see the Prophet (pbuh) and the Sahaabah. This is the way in which the Sahabah missed the Prophet (pbuh) after he died. For example, Muslim narrated that Anas said: “After the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) died, Abu Bakr (ra) said to ‘Umar, ‘Let us go and visit Umm Ayman as the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) used to visit her. When they came to her, she wept, and they said, ‘Why are you crying? What is with Allah is better for His Messenger (pbuh).’ She said, ‘I am not weeping because I do not know that what is with Allah is better for His Messenger (pbuh). Rather I am weeping because the Revelation from heaven has come to an end.’ That moved them deeply and they began to weep with her.” (Muslim, 2454)  

But if this missing a deceased friend or relative makes a person feel grief and despair – and sometimes distress – and makes him object to the will and decree of Allah, then this should not be allowed and should be denounced and forbidden, because this may lead to the development of bad characteristics which Islam strives to keep its followers away from. The Muslim should be happy and content with the will and decree of Allah and His rule and law.