Marriage and the involvement of one’s Parents
Marriage is no longer as simple as it used to be, despite it being a very simple and easy contract in Islam. All that is technically required is permission from the male guardian (father, brother, maternal uncle, grandfather or a trustworthy Muslim brother/Imam in-case of no male guardian) of the bride, two trustworthy witnesses and a dowry from the groom to his bride.
However, young Muslims nowadays, who are eager to practise the Deen and safeguard their chastity, find it extremely difficult to get married at a young age because of the widespread shirk, nationalism, kufr, un-Islamic traditions, sectarian ideas and secularism which have affected their communities over the last 80 years or so, ever since the destruction of the Islamic state.
It is important to understand that obedience to one’s parents is obligatory in general, particularly when it comes to fulfilling their rights. And it is true that, “The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. And the anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent,” as ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar (RA) said. (See Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, Hadeeth #2)
However, this does not mean that you have committed a sin every time they get angry with you. For example, your father may ask you to buy a lottery ticket or take out an interest-based loan from the bank; if you disobey him in this situation it would be a good thing and you will be rewarded by Allah, even if he becomes angry and upset.
Similarly, if your parents try to encourage you to marry someone of their choice, you have the right to refuse because marriage is your right, not theirs. And it is not a sin to disobey them in this matter, even if it makes them angry. Especially if they wish for you to chose a non-practising Muslim and base him only on his nationality, education and job.
So if you have received a proposal or want to marry someone who has been given a good reference in terms of their character and commitment to the Deen, this is the person you should go for. Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said:
إِذَا أَتَاكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَدِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوا تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ
“If a person approaches you [for your daughter’s hand] and you are pleased with their character (manners) and Deen, let them get married. If you do not, there will be fitnah (trials and tribulations) on the earth and widespread mischief.” (Sunan Ibn Maajah and others)
If your parents do not approve, you should try to persuade and get them to accept the idea, because family is important and there are times when you may need their help (in the future). So it is not a good idea to allow your relationship with them to be ruined, even if they are not on the same understanding as you in relation to the Deen.
However, losing your family and going against their wishes altogether may be the only option that you have if you really want to marry someone on the correct ‘aqeedah (creed) and manhaj (path and methodology). Some brothers and sisters have done this and they have permanently lost their families as a result; others have managed to regain them after a number of years. Should you be faced with this situation, you must understand that it is a great test from Allah, because it is not an easy decision to make at all. ‘Abdullah bin Mas’ood (RA) narrated that the Prophet (SAW) said:
عن عبد الله قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم إن الإسلام بدأ غريبا وسيعود غريبا فطوبى للغرباء قال قيل ومن الغرباء قال النزاع من القبائل
“Islam began as something strange, and it shall certainly return as something strange, so Paradise is for the Strangers.” It was asked, “Who are the Strangers?” Allah’s Messenger (SAW) replied, “Those who withdraw themselves from their people (and customs).” (Musnad al-Imam Ahmad and Sunan Ibn Majah)
However, if Allah has favoured you with practising parents who are upon the right manhaj and ‘aqeedah, their advice should be in your best interest and it is recommended that you obey them.
The good family is the one who will eventually support you and respect your wishes. If you risk losing them, you should ask yourself if the person is really worth the risk – make sure their trustworthiness, character and Deen are well-established. Istikharah is also a very good idea.
If you decide not to proceed because you do not want to hurt your parents, bear in mind that the same problem could arise again in the near future – that is if your criteria for a good partner are not the same as your family’s. For this reason, it is important that you try your best to win their hearts or at least get them to accept the idea and support you. Try to give them da’wah in a subtle and indirect way, or ask someone older and wiser to explain to them the Islamic criteria for a good spouse – which is Deen, not status, nationality, wealth and so forth.
Another thing you should bear in mind is that you do not have to give your family all the details of the person you are interested in marrying. For example, if a sister wishes to marry a brother who is a daa’ie (caller to Islam) and has good Deen and character but is unemployed (surviving on state welfare or savings), the family do not need to know that he is unemployed, but you would obviously need to think of something clever to say in this regard because it’s a question that will inevitably come up – and rightly so. Similarly, if a sister wants to marry a brother who already has one wife or is a divorcee, the family do not need to know this.
Besides the above, young Muslims face a number of other challenges as well, mainly:
1. The kufr (non-Islamic) law
According to the Sharia, a person can get married the moment they reach the age of puberty, which means that a girl could, theoretically, get married at the age of 10, or whenever her menstrual cycle begins; and a boy could get married as soon as he reaches puberty, by the age of 15. However, in Western (kufr) societies the minimum legal age for getting married is 16 years old. And this minimum age restriction is something which could increase in the near future, however man, not God, sees fit.
The fitnah (trials) that the youth face is that they are exposed to sexual explicit conversations and material from a very young age, in the form of magazines, books, posters, billboards, music videos, movies, plays and even in the classroom. However, while the Kuffar (non-Muslims) have a way of satisfying their desires (through haram relationships), the Muslim youth face a huge dilemma because their sexual desires are aroused and exploited by society yet they have no way of satisfying their needs in a lawful (halal) way.
Since it is illegal (according to kufr law) and not the “norm” to get married below the age of 16, and because it is haram to free-mix or be in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship even past that age, there is a risk they may commit zina (fornication) out of temptation or desperation.
2. Societal culture
Another problem young single Muslims face is that, according to modern culture, they are expected to go to school, college and university, and then be in a secure job for a number of years before they should contemplate the idea of getting married. For the Kuffar this is not a problem because they have no boundaries or prohibitions which they live by. But for the Muslim, who has the same organic needs as a Kafir, he or she is expected to somehow suppress or ignore their needs. Getting married before they have finished their entire adult education and secured the job of their dreams is discouraged by society, family and friends which is basically against what Islam teaches us, for if the need of marriage arises one's parents should assist in marriage immediately and support the son and bride till Allah opens path for their rizq. Moreover, the idea of polygamy is also frowned upon and disparaged due to the fact that the Sunnah and Islamic culture have diminished along with the Islamic state, whereas polygamy is a blessing from Allah.
3. Cultural or non-practising parents
Another hurdle – which is perhaps the biggest – is cultural, secular, “moderate” or non-practising parents and family. With the revival of Islam and the correct understanding of the Islamic ‘Aqeedah, Tawheed and al-Wala’ wal-Bara’ (loving and hating for the sake of Allah), young practising Muslims are beginning to shun the un-Islamic ideas and innovations practised by the earlier generations of Muslims who have adopted ways of the disbeliever in marriages, for instance having rituals or events before nikah or even after nikah and all such events includes intermingling and haram music, whereas in Islam a marriage is only a simple nikah and walima, completely segregated without any haram music. The young practising Muslims are beginning to reject all these kuffr views and ideas and that also of nationalism, worshipping graves, using ta’weez (amulets), freedom, democracy, secularism, interfaith, integration and cultural practices that are alien to Islam and this is what clashes with the older cultural, secular, “moderate” or non-practising parents and family.
The only problem is, because the majority of their family members still hold these ideas, there is a lot of pressure (as well as emotional blackmail) to marry someone they approve of or recommend, which would only be someone who holds the same beliefs, values and aspirations as them. So in this situation what should one do?
Just remember, if you do come into conflict with your family, you need to understand that this is a great test from Almighty Allah. And remember that it is ultimately YOU, not your family, who may potentially be spending the rest of your life with your spouse. Happiness in life only comes with obedience to Allah (SWT), Who says:
مَنْ عَمِلَ صَالِحًا مِنْ ذَكَرٍ أَوْ أُنْثَى وَهُوَ مُؤْمِنٌ فَلَنُحْيِيَنَّهُ حَيَاةً طَيِّبَةً وَلَنَجْزِيَنَّهُمْ أَجْرَهُمْ بِأَحْسَنِ مَا كَانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ
Whoever does the good deeds, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer, verily to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter). (16:97)
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