Engagement in Islam..?

‘Engagement’ is a term used in society to mean that one has a ‘fiancée’ that one eventually intends to marry. In the Western world this ‘engagement’ can last for many years with no definite date for the marriage, and in more and more cases, no date at all. During this engagement, the couple free-mix quite happily, which also includes having a sexual relationship. This is of no surprise however as, in the so-called civilised society today, sexual relationships with anyone or anything, let alone your fiancée, is the norm, leading to the many sexual diseases, unwanted pregnancies, single parent families and sexual perversion (amongst other things) that we see prevalent nowadays.

Neither does engagement have the meaning of commitment as people falsely believe, rather it is the ‘trial run’ of the couple’s relationship prior to marriage, and thus having affairs, one-night stands, breaking-up and reuniting are all part and parcel of this trial, as no vows are being broken.

Many Muslims have unfortunately adopted this concept of engagement. Couples are ‘engaged’ and big parties are thrown, together with rituals adopted both from western society (for example, the exchanging of rings) and non-Islamic culture of the families’ birth countries (for example, the wearing of specific colours). Many of these parties also involve free-mixing and other activities prohibited in Islam. The couple start (or continue as in many cases today) to have a special relationship, whether with or without physical contact, prior to their marriage as well. In addition they socialise through letters, telephone conversations and meetings falsely believing that this is legitimate now that they are engaged.

In Islam, this concept of engagement does not exist. The only way a man and woman can share an intimate relationship emotionally or physically is through the contract of Nikah, i.e. Marriage. This article will examine the Islamic understanding of ‘engagement’ and the divine rules relating to it.

The definition of engagement in Islam is, ‘A private arrangement with the intention of marriage between a suitable Muslim man and a woman via her guardian i.e. Wali Amr.’ To explain this:

A private arrangement means an unbinding secret agreement.

A suitable Muslim man means he is Muslim, mature, sane.

A Suitable woman means a Muslim woman or woman from the people of the book (Jew or Christian) free for marriage from any Shari'ah prevention such as if she is still married, or in her I'ddah (waiting period)of divorce or widowhood, or pregnant, or if she has had a previous intimate relationship with him, or is a prostitute, a fornicator, or a Mushrik (idolaters such as Hindus or Sikhs) etc…

Via her guardian means that the arrangement is made with the knowledge of her original Wali Amr i.e. her father.

During the period when a Muslim male proposes to a suitable female with the consent of her guardian (usually her father), and she agrees to consider him for marriage the couple are under ‘engagement’ Islamically and the female may not consider another man until and unless she decides to decline the proposal.

This engagement does not allow any grounds for socialising or private meetings. The man can go out with her only as long as they are going out for a matter related to the preparations for marriage and with the accompaniment of her Mahram (i.e male whom she cannot marry such as her father or brother or uncle). If they do need to meet, they must do so in the presence of her mahram and strictly to discuss Islam or the preparations for marriage and not for any purpose of entertainment. In addition they are not allowed to be alone together in a room, as this is Khalwah and is Haram (prohibited). Moreover any physical contact between the couple is prohibited. But they are allowed to speak to each other on the phone with the father’s permission and the conversation must be restricted to discussing Islam or the preparations for marriage. To discuss, for example, sex is Haram except in the context of Hukm Shar'ie (Divine Laws).

It is permissible, however, for the man to see the woman without her wearing her Khimar (head-scarf) and Jilbab (outer clothing) as long as she is covering her hard aworah i.e. her body from her chest to over her knees. He is allowed for him to look properly at her eyes, face, hair, arms and hands.

It is narrated in Muslim upon the authority of Abdullah Ibn Omar that a man came to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and said, 'I need to get married, how much can I look at her?' to which our Nabi (pbuh) replied, 'Until you are convinced.' In another narration he (pbuh) said, 'Whoever saw a woman for the purpose of marriage and he changed his mind let him not speak about it to others.’

If we combine the evidences we can conclude that a would-be husband is allowed to see more than the face and hands but not the hard aworah which even the father is not allowed to see! The majority of the Ulema of the past held this opinion (including the classical scholars). However, the woman need not give her consent to this and is under no obligation to do so.

The opinion of Ibn Hazim is not that one can see all the aworah, as some people mistakenly believe, but that he can see 'her aworah' which does not mean more than the soft aworah, particularly considering that he said elsewhere that, 'He is sinful if he saw the private parts of his fiancée.'

Some Ulema hold the view that 'what convinces' includes her character and trustworthiness as well, whilst others posit that it is referring to the face because this can 'convince' as well (and not more than that). The latter, however, is not a strong opinion since, as we have said, it is better to combine the evidences.

The viewing of the woman in this way, however, needs to be done in the presence of her Mahram and for the purpose of marriage only. Also, the man must be trustworthy and he can only see the aworah overall, not to check something out specifically (i.e. she will wear normal dress showing only her soft aworah and no more). It is useful to note here that it is makrouh (undesirable) to marry her without looking at her beforehand at all.

In choosing a suitable female companion it is worthy for us to remember the hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh);

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) said, "A woman is married for four things, that is, her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Bukhari)

This is a reminder to those of us who fall into the trap of being deluded by our non-Islamic environment around us, and thus look for materialistic criteria in our future partners.

Finally, engagement in Islam must be kept secret and if it is broken both parties are forbidden from speaking about what they know or have seen from each other.

Engagement in Islam is thus a means to an end and not an end in itself. Allah has created mankind with certain instincts that need to be fulfilled, and He has also given us the method with which to fulfil them. It is within the nature of human beings to long for companionship emotionally and physically and thus we fulfil this through marriage and marriage alone. Muslims need to remember that we are the slaves of Allah and not of man or of our own desires. The corrupt Western concept of engagement should not be implemented in our lives as it is completely contrary to the laws of Allah.

"And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30:21)