Unnecessary Obstacles to Marriage and Islamic teachings for the Selection of a Spouse

Unnecessary obstacles to marriage:

Young women have many hopes and dreams. Among the most important of these dreams focus upon their future husbands, the men who are going to be their partners through the long and arduous journey of life. Some girls want their husbands to be young and handsome. Others prefer men who are gentle and romantic. Still others want their husbands to be rich or famous.

These dreams are sometimes beset by obstacles that prevent the young woman from ever realizing them, obstacles to marriage that are uncalled for and unnecessary. Among the most important of these are the following:

1. Studies: This can take many years, depending on the program of study undertaken and the desired degree goals. In truth, a woman’s marriage is not incompatible with her furthering her studies. What it needs is for there to be an understanding from the onset between the husband and wife about the matter of her studies.
I see this as part of facing up to our changing circumstances. There are many destructive influences that beset our young men and women today. The mass media has an overwhelming effect. The world is more open. Early marriage has become more of a necessity for our young men and women than it has ever been before. It needs to be given priority. A young woman should give the matter her attention, as should her parents.

2. The parents: A parent may turn away prospective suitors for their daughters for many reasons. These reasons might be financial or cultural. Sometimes the parents insist that their daughter marry one of her cousins or no one else.

Consider the following examples:

• A woman over 30 years of age complains that her parents have a distorted sense of their own greatness and see themselves as of considerable importance and status. They refuse to marry their daughter to anyone except a man who satisfies their standards. Such a man will never come.

• A university graduate who works and is obliged to give her monthly salary over to her parents in full is prevented by her parents from ever marrying for reasons that are obvious.

A parent prohibiting their daughter from marriage is a terrible crime that makes the skin crawl. Even if the parent’s faith is weak and they are not God-fearing, we would think that they would have some humanity or mercy in their heart. We find more mercy exhibited by wild animals for their children. While this parent sleeps comfortably in their room with their spouse at their side, their grown up daughters are tossing and turning restlessly in their beds, because they are being denied the greatest of physical blessings that Allah has placed within us the drive to seek out.

Allah is speaking to every believer when He says:
“...do not prevent them from marrying their husbands, if they mutually agree on reasonable basis. This (instruction) is an admonition for him among you who believes in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous and purer for you. Allah knows and you know not.” (Qur’an, 2:232)

So where are those who believe in Allah and the Last Day?

Preventing one’s daughters from marrying suitable men with whom they are pleased is a serious form of oppression. Friends and relatives need to intervene in order to help those women and free them from their confinement. If this does not happen, then the courts need to intervene. Social and governmental agencies should be mobilized to protect women who are being prevented from marriage and confront the transgression of those parents.

It is true that most parents are merciful and feel compassion for their daughters and it is allowed for them to prevent their daughters from marrying certain suitors when they have a valid reason to do so. However, there are situations – though they may be few in number, they are seriously painful for the women involved – where outside intervention is needed. In many cases, the daughter will be unable to speak up in her own defense or voice a complaint. 

This is because she fears destroying her relationship with her parents or fears that her reputation will be tarnished. She might not have any opportunity to leave her from home in the first place or to speak to anyone who can air her grievances on her behalf. In this way she can spend her whole life and waste her youth in bitter waiting.

3. The man: The young man who wishes to get married wants a beautiful wife, and beauty to him is what his eyes have grown accustomed to seeing in the movies and on television. He wants her to be fair of complexion, tall, and young. He wants her to have the beauty of a fashion model, the piety of the Prophet’s Companions, and the wealth of a tycoon, without him having to exert any effort on his part. He needs to come down to earth.
This may be one of the negative effects of constantly watching movies and programs that cause our young people to live in a fantasy world that has no connection whatsoever with reality. Even if a young man lowers his unrealistic standards, he remains in distress and this puts a strain on his future relationship with his wife.

Allah tells us: “O you who believe! Follow not Satan’s footsteps: if any will follow the footsteps of Satan, he will (but) command what is shameful and wrong.” (Qur’an, 24:21)

4. Exuberant costs: Heavy expenditures for marriage as well as numerous and excessive material demands place a great burden upon the shoulders of young men, forcing them to turn away from the prospect of marriage. 

The postponement of marriage is a hindrance that everyone must work together to solve. It has to be addressed publicly by scholars, orators, intellectuals, public figures, and reformers. The means to marriage need to be simplified. Institutions need to be established to facilitate marriages materially, socially, and on a personal level.

Islamic teachings for the selection of a spouse:

In islam, Taqwa (piety) of a person is the primary criteria that must be considered while selecting a spouse .The most comprehensive advice given regarding the choice of a spouse is the teaching of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saws) who said, on the authority of Abu Hurairah,
"A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious(righteous and pious) woman (otherwise) you will be losers." (Al-Bukhari, Book 62, hadith 27).

A Poor Pious Man is a Better Marriage Suitor than a Rich Man Who is Not Pious

Hadith - Bukhari 7.28, Narrated Sahl
A man passed by Allah's Apostle and Allah's Apostle asked (his companions) "What do you say about this (man)?"
They replied, "If he asks for a lady's hand, he ought to be given her in marriage; and if he intercedes (for someone) his intercessor should be accepted; and if he speaks, he should be listened to."
Allah's Apostle kept silent, and then a man from among the poor Muslims passed by, an Allah's Apostle asked (them) "What do you say about this man?"
They replied, "If he asks for a lady's hand in marriage he does not deserve to be married, and he intercedes (for someone), his intercession should not be accepted; And if he speaks, he should not be listened to." Allah's Apostle corrected the companions and said,
"This poor man is better than so many of the first as filling the earth."
 

Narrated Abu Hurairah, Allah's Messenger (saws) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.' [Tirmidhi, Nasa'i and Ibn Majah]

As the best of all leaders, the Prophet Muhammad (saws) knew his community well and understood that there are very real considerations that must be taken into account when selecting a spouse.May Allah grant us grace to follow the teachings of Prophet Muhammad (saws) and give u spouse whom Allah loves - Ameen.

The Prophet (saws) said: "Three matters should not be delayed: prayer when its time comes, burial when the funeral has arrived, and the marriage of a single woman when a well-suited man has proposed." 
(Reported by at-Tirmidhi)

Dua for a Righteous family:
The Importance of a good wife to her husband (and of course vice versa) is Great to Allah. Nothing can illustrate the point better than the Qur'anic statement which describes the righteous people as those who pray:
"Our Lord! give us spouse and children who will be the joy of our eyes, and make us Leaders of the Righteous” (Sura 25-Al-Furqan Verse 74)

May Allah give all believing men and women, married or looking to marry, the tawfeeq (grace) to be the ideal Muslim husband and the ideal Muslim wife with His Divine help and guidance. May Allah bless all present and future marriages with love, happiness, peace, and success - Ameen!